Everyone Is Doing Everything Wrong – Part 1

It’s your fault and you suck!

What’s your problem? Why do you always screw up at everything you do? It’s not hard to do most things, so why are you so bad at them? What do they teach you in that school anyway? That  “2 + 2 = SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE?” Maybe if you studied more, like I did when I was in school, you wouldn’t have this problem!

But it’s not just you! Oh, no! Everyone’s screwing up everywhere. I can’t stand it anymore! What’s worse is that everyone posts pictures of their failure on the Internet! That’s NOT how the Internet is supposed to be used! Get on there! Find the information you want! Then get off and get a job! Stop hanging around on the Internet all day you slacker!

You need to learn by example! I’m going to show you all of these failures so maybe you can learn something from them (even though you WON’T because you’re the worst student I’ve ever seen)! If you learn something then post about it in the comments (as long as you promise not to SCREW IT UP!).

Did no one teach this girl how to use a bed? It’s sad that parents won’t even teach their kids how to use a bed anymore! Now she’s sleeping in the forest with poison ivy for a blanket and a hungry wolf for a pillow! If your pillow bites back, then GET A NEW PILLOW! Not THAT one! It makes you look like a whore!

Bikes are not supposed to be ridden on the air! Who turned off the gravity? That slacker had better get back to his post! Does he know how many strings I had to pull to get him that job? He doesn’t because he can only count from 1 to Twinkie! I could do a better job! Of EVERY JOB IN THE WORLD! You slackers!

Quit smiling! You’re eating a peach; you’re not at the county fair! Food isn’t supposed to be fun at all! Happy Meals can’t make you happy because they’re not Happy Meals, they are “Do-It-Yourself Home Fat Kits!” My son STILL hasn’t learned that because he is probably the WORST student I have ever seen! A minus? More like A “I Almost Didn’t COMPLETELY SUCK!” minus! I’m really tired of burning his toys too!

This photo is so fake! There has never been a successful surfer in all of existence! It’s impossible — every time I surf I fall into a dock or a boat or even a docked boat! It can’t be done! Who do you think you are? God? God doesn’t need to surf but you need to BURN IN HELL for even thinking he would do that! But you’ll just end up doing that wrong, too! Go back to bed! Then fall out of your window into a dock because you have no idea what you’re doing!

Quit making pointy buildings! Pointy buildings have served no good purpose in history! The only reason someone made a pointy building is because his degree from the University of Phoenix told him it was a good idea! Degrees don’t talk, so quit listening to them! It doesn’t love you and never will! I DON’T EITHER!

What a horribly made boat! No boat like that can possibly sail! Someone just dumped it somewhere where children can run all over it and touch it like it’s theirs! Who taught them how to do that? Probably the same parents who taught them how not to use a bed! Now they’re pretending to be pirates and ruining the boat for everyone! Now the only people who want the boat after that will be hobos, and they’ll give the children scurvy because a hobo’s touch is POISONOUS!

Hey! Who said you could be old? I certainly didn’t! I’m going to tell the police how old you are and they’ll show you not to be old around here! You’re not even keeping track of the words you’re reading with your finger! You’re going to lose your place and get distracted and wander out into the street and get hit by a truck because you can’t read straight! Because you’re OLD!

Why does no one know how to walk properly? These women screw it up more and more with each step! Walk straight and look ahead like you have somewhere to go! These women should walk exactly like that right into a nunnery! Maybe then they’ll learn proper things like how to walk (and how everything they do with their bodies is shameful)!

Man in glasses! Where is your hair? Did you throw it into the audience after all that beer you drank? Get your hair back and put it on right now! Then stop clapping! You and everyone else, stop clapping right now! The performer was not good, because he is not a woman! Get a woman on stage to sing right now! Then make me a steak! I worked all day and THIS is the thanks I get? You’re lucky I haven’t divorced you yet!

That’s all I’ve got for now! Come back later for Part 2! DON’T COME BACK! Go do something that isn’t horrible instead!