The Secret Lives of Toys

I’m a big fan of toys, so it stands that I’m a big fan of photos with toys in them. There’s a lot of neat toy photos on good ol’ Flickr, but these are some of my favorites. Let’s take a gander and see what our favorite playthings are up to, eh?

Darth Vader prepares to crack open the world’s biggest pinata, made in California and filled with fifteen Wal-Marts.

 

Here Spider-Man is complying with his court order to stay within fifty feet of Stephen Colbert. The judge who issued the order told us, “Hopefully this will teach Colbert not to call Canton a shithole.”

 

What does this look like to you-two men staring at each other, or a vase that Picasso is embarassed he made?

 

In the 1960s, a massive group of airborne pigs flew over this squadron of U.S. troops, blocking the sun for a few moments. When they left, the commander looked at a private and said, “Just fix healthcare when you get into office, all right?”

 

Spider-Man #120: Oh, God, I Was So Drunk When I Made This Bet

 

As the new action figure on the shelf, Shockwave recieves advice about his new owner from a fellow toy. This advice will be good to think about while his crotch is kept on a Barbie’s face for six months.

 

Sticking a clarinet up your nose! Grabbing the blade of a lightsaber with your hands! And kissing a fat alien wearing lipstick! All this and more, tonight on Will This Kill You?

 

God won’t listen to the prayers of this blue man, because He hates blue people. Trust me, your priest knows this. After all, his version of the Bible came with the decoder ring.

 

Here’s a sneak peek at the cover to this month’s issue of Iron Man, where he finds himself in a dimension of sexy centerfolds.

 

Barbie and friends get smashed after having robot-crotches kept on their faces all day.

 

As a result, Barbie’s synchronized swimming club goes horribly wrong.

 

Eventually Jake grew tired of the Lego family missing their house payments.

 

When Dolls Find Out They Don’t Have Superpowers

 

At Zombie Deco, we’ll give your zombie a makeover with our line of attractive body paints. Each makeover comes with a satisfaction guarantee. If for any reason your zombie is not satisfied with his new look…well, just remember that we also sell prosthetics.

 

Wall-E had a lot of fun today playing with his toys, but now it’s time to put them all away. Thanks for reading “The Secret Lives of Toys”. Be sure to read this article’s companion piece, “Adult Toys: The Choking Hazard Is A Feature!”