Everyone Is Doing Everything Wrong – Part 2

Washing dishes on your own? Do I even need to say how you’re doing it wrong? Why should you have to work so hard? Here’s how to do it right!

1. Give a servant money to wash your dishes.

There! It’s a simple program anyone with a job can follow! If you had a job, you wouldn’t be doing dishes, would you? So go get a job! But it’d better not be an important job! You’re probably not qualified to do anything important, like talking to other people! Why are we even speaking to each other? This discussion is over!

No no no no no! How many times do I have to tell you this? Do not lie on anything and kiss each other! It usually leads to sex, which usually leads to guilt, which usually leads to a bear attacking you because you had sex in the forest! Bears hate sex and will do anything to interrupt it! Are you wearing your bear repellent bands? No? Then go put them on! And then get a job!

Stop it! That is inappropriate wear for a wedding, young lady! Those flowers are not the proper accessory for that dress! You’re teaching that young girl incorrect flower values! Next thing you know she’ll be running around with daisies in her hands when it’s not justified! Did you even think about the consequences? Of course you didn’t, because you won’t stop talking to BRAD, you unfaithful harlot! Stop running from me! I need to slap you. Stand still and take it!

What kind of image is this? I can’t even see the left half of this boy’s face! This boy’s left face has been captured by Diablo! That’s why he’s yelling at you! “Mommy, a demon won’t let go of my left face because I didn’t get a job!” And she’s too busy running around with daisies in her hand to notice! Demon face-grabbing has to stop! I’m tired of demons making a half-hearted attempt to possess people! Do it right or don’t do it at all, you slackers! Read a book on how to do it right – How To Possess People So You Don’t Get Laughed At!

You don’t need two watches! Or even one watch, for that matter! Watches are unproductive members of society! They say they can tell time, but I can tell time without that kind of device! All you’d have to do is use my improved time system. But everyone is SO LAZY that they can’t be bothered to adopt a superior method! What’s hard to remember about it? If everyone ate dinner when it’s “I’m Eating Dinner Time” then maybe we’d have stronger families!

Burn the game right now! You will never be a disciple of loud and annoying music! Destroy it and get on with your life! We had better games when I was a kid anyway! You played with a broom! And it was called “Clean The House Before Dad Has Something To Drink!” You scored ten points if you were still conscious by the end of the night! It was fun! I play it with my son and he has so much fun that he can’t stop crying! STOP CRYING!

Why are you dancing? Your friends aren’t dancing — they’re waiting for you to realize you’re wasting your life! The ballet is not called “I Am A Dummy Who Is Dancing To The Sound of Me Not Having A Job”, so quit dancing it! Then quit dancing altogether! It will get you nowhere in life and you will not succeed doing it! Where did you get the idea that you could? An encyclopedia? Well, if you want to base your entire life on the “Oxford Book of How I Am Wrong” then go ahead!

You haven’t even written anything! You just scribbled a few lines and now you have writer’s block? What’s the matter with you? You couldn’t even write a single word? I’m writing right now! I am a thousand times better as a writer than you are! Did you think you’d be like J.K. Rowling? Maybe write a book about wizards being stupid? Here’s my wizard book – “Chapter 1! I was a wizard, but then I realized how dumb that was so I got a real job and now I’m worth something!” The End! Buy the audiobook because you probably suck at reading too!