Facebook Apps We Could Be Seeing Fifty Years From Now

There’s no denying it. Facebook has become an inorexable cosmic horror devoted to encompassing your universe and telling it that you’re a fan of oranges. Despite privacy concerns, it’s worming its way into our favorite websites, and I’m not sure how to stop it. If we cut off its head at the source, two more might grow back and claim to be Looking For Networking.

Really, I should’ve been suspicious of Facebook from day one. Even when I first joined, it nagged me about the applications my friends used, with some of them VERY personal. And since some apps don’t have privacy policies, that info could be available to troublesome parties. How do you think G.I. Joe keeps finding out what Cobra’s plans are? “Scheemer” lets you display your schemes and earn points, and Cobra almost has enough for a sweet jacket.

As much as I like using Facebook, they need to clean up their game. If we keep letting Facebook toss around our info like Mardi Gras beads, just imagine how apps will expose us fifty years from now…

Face-thulu wanders the ruins of MySpace.

Birth Certificate Brawl
Remember when you were little and called Kevin Green a “fartknocker” and he told you to stop it and call him by his real name? Now you can finally call his bluff. In “Birth Certificate Brawl”, you and three other players play minigames to win points The person with the most points gets to legally change the others’ birth certificates to anything he wants. Finally, prove once and for all that Kevin was actually born a Latino girl.

Trash Connection
Groups, fans, likes, links…I guess Facebook doesn’t think we know enough junk about our friends. “Trash Connection” will make sure we’re scarily intimate with them. It tracks what you throw away using a special sensor. Just attach it to your trash can, and when you toss something, the item is scanned right to Facebook. It’ll also encourage you to empty the can more often. This is done with a simple alarm, programmed to play an entire Gilbert Gottfried routine.

I Got Toilet Time Comin’
Like to tell schmucks on Facebook that you just got Domino’s Pizza? Well, goodness me, don’t you think you should keep them updated on what happens next? This app makes it happen by tracking the journey of those greasy slices to their ultimate end. It’s all possible through special camera equipment. Just plug it into your computer, slide that tube down your throat, and reveal the magic. Now THERE’S a trick Penn and Teller won’t show you. Talk about “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

Version 2.0 available soon!

Of course, these are just exaggerated guesses. Facebook apps will never get that bad, and I believe Facebook will straighten up if it wants continued business. But you never know. Heck, maybe some of these apps already exist.

(Please don’t tell me if they do. I’m already good at feeling like I need to drink antifreeze.)

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